The following are my favorite quips, wisecracks, and insights about everyone’s favorite subject.
“A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.” (Monica Piper)
“No woman needs intercourse—few women escape it.” (Andrea Dworkin)
“If God had meant us to have group sex, he’d have given us more organs.” (Malcolm Bradbury)
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” (Lilly Tomlin)
“The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m.” (Charles Pierce)
“I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don’t hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn’t bother me.” (Jackie Mason)
“Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.” (Fran Lebowitz)
“You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.” (Maureen Lipman)
“Bigamy? It’s having one wife too much. Monogamy? It’s the same.” (Oscar Wilde)
“I rely on my personality for birth control.” (Liz Winston)
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” (Bob Rubin)
“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” (Bette Midler)
“Nothing risqué, nothing gained.” (Alexander Woolcott)
“Give a man free hands, and you’ll know where to find them.” (Mae West)
“It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.” (Voltaire)
“Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.” (Bob Hope)
“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” (Marilyn Monroe)
“A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.” (Phyllis Diller)
“The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.” (Helen Rowland)
“Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.” (M.C. Reed)
“Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.” (Jackie Onassis)
“There are times not to flirt. When you’re sick. When you’re with children. When you’re on the witness stand.” (Joyce Jillson)
“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” (Dr. Alfred Kinsey)
“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.” (Oscar Wilde)
“Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?” (Jules Feiffer)
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs)
“A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.” (Lillian Day)
“The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.” (Glenda Jackson)
“Every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster.” (Claudius Galen)
“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.” (Jeff Foxworthy)
“A gentleman is a patient wolf.” (Henrietta Tiarks)
“The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.” (Lance Morrow)
“I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.” (Garry Shandling)
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” (Steve Martin)
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” (Lynn Lavner)
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me, neither.” (Drew Carey)
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” (Woody Allen)
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” (Anonymous)
“If it wasn’t for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I’d have no sex life at all.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” (Bill Kelly)
“As the French say, there are three sexes—men, women, and clergymen.” (Rev. Sydney Smith)
“I’m a practicing heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” (Woody Allen)
“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.” (Sam Austin)
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” (George Burns)
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” (Matt Barry)
“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” (Anonymous)
“Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” (Michael Sinz)
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” (Woody Allen)
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” (George Burns)
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation—the other eight are unimportant.” (Henry Miller)
“Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.” (Mark Twain)
“The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes.” (Scott Roeben)
“When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.” (Matt Groening)
“An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.” (Aldous Huxley)
“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.” (Woody Allen)
“Give me chastity and continence—but not yet.” (Saint Augustine)
“Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?” (Shakespeare)
“Chastity—the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions.” (Aldous Huxley)
“Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn’t want to touch them in the first place?” (George Carlin)
“Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed.” (Shakespeare)
“Writing is like making love. Don’t worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process.” (Isabel Allende)
“I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.” (Gore Vidal)
“Sexuality is the lyricism of the masses.” (Charles Baudelaire)
“From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.” (Bette Davis)
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” (Mae West)
“I’m a committed bachelor. One of my favorite oxymorons is an engagement party.” (Scott Roeben)
“Sex is an emotion in motion.” (Mae West)
“Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.” (Shakespeare)
“It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” (Joan Rivers)
“It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men.” (Mae West)
“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin. It’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.” (S. J. Perlman)
“The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts.” (Heywood Broun)
“Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.” (William Blake)
“There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for a woman’s shoe and has to embrace the whole woman.” (Klaus Kraus)
“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” (Jean Cocteau)
“You sleep with a guy once and before you know it he wants to take you to dinner.” (Myers Yori)
“Chastity is curable if detected early.” (Anonymous)
“Great food is like great sex—the more you have the more you want.” (Gael Greene)
“To err is human, but it feels divine.” (Mae West)
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.” (Samuel Johnson)
“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” (Groucho Marx)
“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no.’” (Woody Allen)
“If it is not erotic, it is not interesting.” (Fernando Arrabal)
“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.” (W.C. Fields)
“In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact.” (Marlene Dietrich)
“Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
“There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should draw the line at goats.” (Elton John)
“What’s the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.” (Scott Roeben)
“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” (J. Edgar Hoover)
“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.” (Gloria Leonard)
“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.” (Rita Mae Brown)
“The nice thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up for it.” (Truman Capote)
“Love is the answer; but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” (Woody Allen)
“Losing my virginity was a career move.” (Madonna)
“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” (Sophia Loren)
“Flirting is the act of making a man feel pleased with himself.” (Helen Rowland)
“When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I’ve never tried before.” (Mae West)
“Her kisses left something to be desired—the rest of her.” (Anonymous)
“I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.” (Anonymous)
“Sex is the poor man’s polo.” (Clifford Odets)
“It’s the good girls that keep the diaries. The bad girls never have the time.” (Tallulah Bankhead)
“Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love.” (Woody Allen)
“The penis mightier than the sword.” (Mark Twain)
“Forget school kids–why don’t they bus horny women?” (George Carlin)
“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” (Cary Grant)
“I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax.” (Scott Roeben)
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.” (George Carlin)
“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
“Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful—provided you get between the right man and the right woman.” (Woody Allen)
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” (Mae West)
“What’s wrong with a little incest? It’s both handy and cheap.” (James Agate)
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.” (Les Dawson)
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” (Woody Allen)
“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.” (Joan Rivers)
“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” (Woody Allen)
“I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.” (Groucho Marx)
“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.” (Emo Philips)
“You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.” (Somerset Maugham)
“A nymphomaniac is a woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.” (Mignon McLaughlin)
“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” (Woody Allen)
“If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.” (Woody Allen)
“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible.” (P.J. O’Rourke)
“What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home.” (Ken Hammond)
“Sex is God’s joke on human beings.” (Bette Davis)
“There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.” (George Burns)
“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.” (Emo Philips)
“I am always looking for meaningful one-night stands.” (Dudley Moore)
“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s a pretty good one.” (Woody Allen)
“As a lover, I’m about as impressive as a magician on the radio.” (Scott Roeben)
“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.” (Brendan Francis)
“Girls are always running through my mind. They don’t dare walk.” (Andy Gibb)
“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.” (Emo Philips)
“Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter.” (Milton Berle)
“Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency.” (Margo St. James)
“I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since.” (Arturo Toscanini)
“Lead me not into temptation—I can find the way myself.” (Rita Mae Brown)
“Isn’t it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?” (Rue McClanahan)
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” (Dorothy Parker)
“There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid.” (Denis Leary)
“It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.” (Charles Pierce)
“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.” (Don Schrader)
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” (Dorothy Parker)
“I don’t like sex on television. I keep falling off.” (Saul Feldman)
“Ah, yes, divorce—from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams)
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” (Billy Crystal)
“I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” (Hugh Grant)
“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.” (Woody Allen)
“The only reason that I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” (Erma Bombeck)
“Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.” (Robert Byrne)
“The reason people sweat is so they won’t catch fire when making love.” (Don Rose)
Photo by freestocks.org
